I Still Hate the Holland Tunnel

The Holland tunnel is still gives me the creeps. My brother says I’m probably claustrophobic. My mom says I can’t be claustrophobic because I live in a tiny room. I know there’s definitely a difference, I certainly never have that feeling in my dorm room… but then I can always leave my tiny room, and I can see out of my tiny room… I have a window in my tiny room, and it is only 3 stories off the ground with nothing but the roof above me. I cannot see out of the Holland Tunnel… and the irrational part of my brain keeps imagining that the sound of all those tires whooshing along in the tunnel, is really the sound of hundreds of gallons of water two inches above the tile waiting to come in and drown us. It’s really rather similar to the feeling I had as a kid back in summer camp when I flipped out and started screaming in the spelunking tunnels at Albany Indoor Rock-climbing. We got lost in the tunnels and we couldn’t find our way out… and I found this one place where you could see out but not get out because it was up too high, and refused to leave. Really rather embarrassing when I think back to it. But that isn’t the same as claustrophobia, because I find small rooms rather cozy. I do have elevator issues, but that’s a fear of heights… or rather, falling from them, the whole lack of windows thing…. and it’s never interfered with anything, I just do like I do in the tunnel, and force myself not to think about the impending doom. It’s very specific. There are no windows in the supermarket but that’s not a problem because it’s big and on ground level… I really think it’s the underground, or illusion of underground (as it was at AIR) thing… Howe Caverns freaked me out a bit too, in the squashy small tunnels. It’s odd though, because in real life, as long as I know the way back out, I’ll go into all sorts of small spaces… like inside the ends of folded bleachers after another kids lunch money, or into the long narrow music cubbies, or into these small assed places under the Clifton Commons Wooden castle playground that technically no one is supposed to be able to squeeze into… but I frequently have nightmares about being stuck in a dangerous situation where the only way out is through a very small squashy tunnel, and I’m afraid to go through. Perhaps it’s because I don’t know where it comes out… or if it comes out… it could wind up being like the Pipe in Tank Girl… *Twitch.* Narrower and narrower, and no way out.

Anyhow…. We went into the city again today to see my father’s mom and her husband for Christmas. We had dinner at Mimi’s on 52nd and 2nd Avenue. It used to be our traditional yearly restaurant when we only went up there once a year. I listened to my Cake Like “Bruiser Queen” Album on the way down and back, so the trip went faster than last time when I just spent the whole time trying to figure out were Elizabeth was and just how big it was.

We only went in for dinner though. I slept last night on an air mattress that my grandfather got before we came down because their new couch is to narrow for anyone to comfortably sleep on, as I discovered last time we were up here, and I spent the whole night trying to keep the blankets from sliding off the couch and onto the floor.

I didn’t wear my Fedora today because I didn’t want it to blow off and get lost forever in the city. That would suck to much to say. I’ve had some little lump on my right eyelid for a couple of weeks now and I’m starting to think I may need to get it looked at, and the scars on my right ankle have been itching lately for no good reason. I mean they’re fairly old scars, like, 5 or 6 months old… no reason for em to be starting to itch now. None of my other scars itch, but all of them are older, though quite a few not by much. There’s just that one on my calve from the lanyard lacing (that stuff is flammable people be careful!) and the one on my knee from tripping over a parking partition in the parking lot at Disneyland… and then the ones all over my hands from when I fell in the K-mart carrying IBC Cream Soda (which comes in glass bottles.) But the ones on my left shoulder and wrist, and thigh… those are all from the past year or so, and none of them are itching me. Meh.

Where was I? Mimis!

I had the Muscles at Mimis, and I though you know, it would be like when you order shrimp, you get like 6, on top of pasta, and that’s all… but I got this like Giant Metal bowl of muscles, at least 40 of the buggers!!! Not to say I wasn’t delighted, I was delighted. I love Shellfish with a passion. One of these days I’m going to develop a sudden shellfish allergy and die… I sometimes have irrational fears like that but people say if you drink to much milk you can become lactose intolerant, and I subsisted almost entirely on steamed clams this past summer… so it does track in a scary sort of way.

Now I’m back at the grandfolks… trying to figure out why the lamp in here keeps blinking. I mean not constantly… just every once and a while it blinks. Also it’s also getting late, but I can’t go to sleep because I sleep in the family room on the air mattress so I have to wait for everyone else to go to bed. Mef.

Can you tell my thought pattern is all over the place right now? Cause it is. I’mana go bug people to let me sleep now…


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