So when last we left our Legion of Heretics…. oh wait… due to a times mix up with some players, we’ll be playing Elder Forge again tonight, since Majere is home tonight, and what we have is all his regular players… plus Ozzy from Heretics to the Empire, who’ll be rolling in because… why the hell not. It remains to be seen if he’ll become a regular, but this game supposedly was going to end months ago, but the characters keep going off on odd tangents that run off the main plot and extend the game.
So, when last we left our intrepid adventurers they had jumped into an active volcano, and thereby gone to an alternate world which seemed like their own world back in time about one week before the start of the campaign, except because they decided to leave behind their magic equipment on a warning that it would all be destroyed by the volcano, they’ve only got mundane weaponry… except Masarrah who came in by way of a Miracle, except she has vow of poverty so… still no magic equipment… right…
- Retcon, we did not go back in time at the end of last game to the age of the dinosaurs… the DM has a better idea. We wake up in the same world we went to sleep in.
- Masarrah is casting a “Miracle” overnight asking to be turned into a Dragon… and Olidammara has instead turned her into a sphere, a la Violet Beauregard.
- DM: Over the hours you seem to deflate….
- Strife: I think I can cast Polymorph to get myself back…
Q: CAN you?
Strife: Of course I can. I have Polymorph any object.
Q: But you’re a sphere!!!
Mayo: The SOMATIC component.
Strife: I deflated a little….
DM: I’d give it to her… but suddenly she’s a football sized Polywog in a puddle of water.
Mayo: HA!!!! You were an EGG!!!!
- Masarrah: What the fuck!
Q (Imitating heluim voice): What the fuck!!!
DM: Yes, more like that.
- Merle scoops polywog-Massarah into a bucket, where he develops some back legs.
- Strife: Is my charactor a POKEMON?
DM: She does seem to be evolving.
Mayo: That’s not how evolution works.
Strife: It is if you’re talking about POKEMON.
- Merle: JUST STAY CALM!!!
Aaron: Merle the amphibian is calmer than you are.
- DM: Masarrah is a 4 foot tall bipedal frog.
Strife: Damint. Masarrah’s a Grummite
Mayo: She’s Michigan J. Frog!
- Masarrah: Can I join the Mage’s guild?
Aaron: You’re a FROG.
Masarrah: That’s racism.
Aaron: No Frogs in the Mage’s Guild.
- Strife: Like that time when you played the vehveeehhhhhhhreeh.
Q: You CAN say it Strife, I know you can.
Strife: I know, but… I feel like if I do… I’ll be TAINTED.
- DM: So there’s a road here that wasn’t here before… and there’s a figure in armour in the middle of it.
Mayo: Has he got a shield and shword?
Strife: You know my favorite kind of SHWORD? A LORD SWORD!!!
DM: Yes, it does.
Merle: Take the sword and shield! That’s what we came for!
- DM: The stranger sounds far away as if they are yelling down a tube.
Masarrah: IT HAS NO HEAD!!!
Mayo: It’s Alphonse Elric!
Strife: I thought that too, but Masarrah wouldn’t say that in character.
Masarrah: LISTEN TO IT!!! It has no head!!! Take it’s helmet off!!!
Aaron: Who are you?
Masarrah: It can’t talk it has no head!!!! No wait…
Merle: Didn’t you determine it had no head based on it’s voice?
- The figure identifies itself as Bastian, Level 17 (A.K.A. Ozzy.)
- Masarrah will now point at it and say “I see what it did there!!!”
- Bastian: I am a guide.
Aaron: Oh good… we need one of those.
Masarrah: Why did I turn into a frog?
Aaron: Because you’re an IDIOT.
- Masarrah: Shall we blow it up?
Aaron: NO. Why would we do that?
Masarrah: Because that’s our answer to everything?
Aaron: No it’s NOT.
Masarrah: Ok… it’s only our answer to MOST things.
- Bastian moves off…
Ozzy: At a pace slower than what you’re used to.
Aaron: The halfling is kind of slow.
Strife: Only in the head.
Ozzy: So are you guys all just… strung out behind me?
Q: I’m strung out.
Ozzy: Is that… a general statement or….
- So Bastian is a guide, and leads the party SLOWLY down the roadway… PAINFULLY slowly. The party debates picking him up.
- DM: Sooooo you are noticing that this isn’t really the way Clearwater should be. There’s people dressed strange, and some of them are Dark Elves and Dark Dwarves…
Aaron: They got here really wrong.
Merle: I don’t think we’re in Bavin anymore.
Aaron: I said that yesterday.
Merle: Yes, but you called me Toto and I don’t know why.
Aaron: Slip of the tongue….
Q: You don’t by any chance have any red shoes do you?
Mayo: There’s no place like home! There’s no place line home
Majere: A house falls in the middle of town,
Strife: It landed on Tiamat! The campaign is over!!!
- DM: A nice girl offers you pie.
Masarrah: *Crits her Diplomacy propositioning the Pie Girl.*
Pie Girl: How about you come back to my place?
Masarrah: Lets go!!!
Aaron: We don’t have time for this!
Masarrah: If the armor keeps moving this slow I’ll catch up with you 20 feet down the road when I’m done!!!
Aaron: She’s not even that attractive!!!!
Masarrah: Beuty is in the eye of the beholder!
Aaron: Your beholder is DEAD!!!
Masarrah: Everyone you KNOW is dead!!!
*The door slams on the pie girls cottage.*
- DM: *Rolls.*
Strife: She’s a sucubis, isn’t she.
Q: Not again…
DM: Strife you need to come into the other room.
Strife: She’s a SUCUBUS.
Q: TWICE IN ONE CAMPAIGN?!?!?!
(Reader’s Note: “Reme – Fighter, Strife’s first PC – Original Party PC, Once out-screwed a Sucubus.”)
- So 20 minutes later, Masarrah catches up.
Masarrah: Hey Aaron I think I broke myself…. I… I can’t remember anything except you guys.
Aaron: Right… Merle, don’t have sex with any of the natives.
Masarrah: It’s not the natives, it’s the place, we need to move faster, where are we going again? What’s the quest?
Aaron: The guide is set on one pace and one pace only.
Masarrah: SO PICK UP THE GUIDE!!!!
Aaron: That’s RUDE, although not as rude as running off to screw some ugly native instead of saving the world.
Masarrah: She wasn’t ugly!!!!
Aaron: Do you have to go screw any other marginally attractive natives, or can we go on our way now?
- So they head onward, and the people get creepier and creepier, at first offering gifts, and then getting increasingly panicked as the PCs keep trying to get the hell out of the town, and they want to leave, but the NPCs are all “Don’t leave us!!! We don’t want to die!!!!”
- Merle fails her Will Save and starts weeping as the town is once again encased in ice like happened earlier in the campaign.
- More people turn up in their way, and accuse them of being horrible people what kill people and leave them all for dead. The party continues on… Merle, keeps weeping.
- Bastian: What makes you sure that these people are illusions?
Aaron: Because there’s a road that wasn’t here, and this city is in the wrong place, and these people are dressed and behaving wrong. This place is an illusion meant to dissuade us from our goal.
Mayo: *Cues up Strawberry Fields Forever* Nothing is real! And nothing to get hung about!!!
- DM: So you’re heading down to the wet water… you go down the slope hill, to the soft sands…
- The party tries to gain passage on the ship… Masarrah is not pleased with the idea and wants to steal the ship. Eventually they come to an agreement.
- Masarrah: Awww… but I wanted to set it on fire.
Aaron: You know you’ve become a real bitch ever since you lost your memory.
- The DM cues up: “I’m on a Boat.”
- A legroom argument ensues….
- So they’re chilling… it gets stormy. Merle and Masarrah go below decks, and Aaron and Bastian become attacked by a sea monsters.
- So the tentacles, when hit by Aaron’s disintegrate spell, dropped a slime… and healed themselves… INITIATIVES… well for Aaron and Bastian. Merle and Masarrah are still below decks.
- The captain abandons ship on a flying carpet.
Aaron takes off flying after him.
DM: You cast fly?
Q: Aaron has WINGS.
- DM: The War Forge stands up on the carpet and gets into a battle stance.
Aaron: *Flies under the carpet, and bounces him off from underneath.*
DM: He… falls off into the ocean.
- So the captain exclaims: “For my third wish I want off this plain and home!!!”
He disappears and Aaron captures his carpet, which he chucks to Masarrah, and then picks up Merle.
- DM: The Guide is ON the water… oddly below the water it appears to be a sunny day, there’s a forest below… you’re looking down wondering what that’s doing down there.
Ozzy: And they’re looking up wondering why there’s a squid in the sky.
- So they see a flying citadel in the sky… much like the one from the real world only completely lacking in all the security that was there in the real world.
- Masarrah: Can I have the fortress?
Aaron: Sure… you can have the giant fake illusory fortress.
Masarrah: It’s not real? Since when is everything fake?
Aaron: Since you died in the volcano.
Masarrah: The afterlife sucks.
Aaron and Merle: This ISN’T the afterlife!
- So they head into the fortress…. and Masarrah managed to locate the sheild and sword…
Aaron: Well that’s convenient…
Masarrah: Yes, so convenient. We just had to travel across the land, board a ship, fight a Kraken, fly above a storm, and find a random floating castle. Oh so easy. It’s like I just rolled out of bed and they were right there!
Aaron: It’s more convenient than the time we were driven away from this same fortress by dragons… Or the time we had to go thru a giant daemon infested under-city to get to a tower that came crashing down around us… or the time our Cleric was skinned alive as a sacrifice to Tiamat?
- So they head up to the room and find a young man who looks like a monk, who says they can just… take the sword and shield.
- Aaron: How do we get back?
Aaron: We can’t do that, we’re dead.
Merle: THIS is why you were supposed to stay behind and ressurect us!!!
- Bald Monk: One of you must remain behind as a sacrifice…. leave behind whomever you consider to be least useful.
Aaron: That’s none of us.
Merle: I think it’s me… I keep dying.
- So the party engages in a big ole argument about making a sacrifice. Merle volunteers to BE the sacrifice, but no one wants that.
- Aaron: You expect me to believe all of these people threw themselves into that volcano to get here?
Monk: There is more than one way to get here.
Aaron: Then a certain elven scholar owes me a GREAT DEAL of pain.
- So the Monk dick tries to make them sacrifice Merle… and then offers instead to take their most valuable skills, Masarrah’s Divine Magic, Aaron’s Arcane Magic, and all of Merle’s knowledge…. in lieu of one of them.
- So Aaron tries to stab him… it doesn’t work.
- Aaron points out that there’s a Vecna that’s supposed to be in him, but is missing, and that they need to get back in him or else he’s running amok.
Merle: Maybe we’re talking to him now?
Aaron: No… this isn’t Vecna.
Masarrah: It might be Olidammara… so sorry if it is. I mean Olidammara acts like this.
Merle: If your god acts like this, why do you worship it?
- Masarrah: Why are we dealing with this guy? We have to prove it to the sword… not to you.
Aaron: That’s true… but it should be able to read my mind by my wielding it.
Masarrah: Well I held it, and you held it… give it to Merle.
Merle: You realize it’s doubtful this is going to—
DM: The sword and shield start glowing in your hands.
Merle: Why is it ALWAYS the HALFLING!!!
Ozzy: Huh? Oh… who has to wield the all powerful artifact….
Monk: Fulfill your offer.
Mayo: Oh!!! I get it… right… Merle’s gonna try and stab herself. Do we need initiatives?
- So Aaron tries to stop Merle stabbing herself and only manages to get stabbed too… and the pain gives way to… a warm feeling, and they wake up back where they started…
Monk’s disembodied voice: You have passed the test which none have passed, give an end to this carnage.
- So Masarrah tries again to become a Dragon and gets into conversation with Olidammara about why on earth she should get that.
Aaron: I hope she’s talking to her god… or else she’s lost it.
Merle: That was a really stupid thing you did… was Masarrah gonna get this done if we were BOTH dead?
Aaron: If it had worked we both would have LIVED.
Merle: And we’d still be stuck there, because we were all a bunch of selfish pricks.
Merle: So, Bastian, how are you liking this world?
A black shadow sucks her screaming away… and then a Copper Dragon comes walking out of the shadows. Apparently she got her way.
- Merle fails, but picks up the sword and shield… and calms down some…
- So we cut scene to the highest peak of the world… it’s in Norwind and apparently we can teleport there with no problem. We just can’t stay there with no problem. It’s COLD.
- Merle heads up on the mountain and tentatively points the sword up above her… a lightning storm beings, and she hides under the shield afraid of the storm, still pointing the sword up.
Aaron: A little more dignity Merle.
Merle: When have I ever had any dignity?
- So a mist covers the mountain, and when it clears there’s dragons all over the mountain… br, silver bronze and a few gold, a giant gold dragon sneaks up behind Merle and scares her half to death.
- Gold Dragon: Why have you awakened us?
Masarrah: To defeat Tiamat?
Gold Dragon: LIES!! Tiamat is not in this world!!!
Aaron: Actually she’s trying to come back, her dragons are already awake.
Gold Dragon: Yes… I smell their stench, what has awakened them?
Q: I give him a concise summary of the campaign thus far.
- Gold Dragon (Finally in Common): What are your orders Queen?
- Aaron plants the bean… and a vine runs up to heaven… and orbs run down it, and sit among the dragons and the people, glowing. It’s an army of Eladrin.
- So the gold Dragon wants Merle to ride it… she mistakes the gesture for a handshake and is taken completely off guard when he takes her arm and swings her onto his back…. and they take off for the Citadel…
And we call it for the night… because we’re about to take on the fortress with our armies of Dragons and Eladrin… and that’s going to be all kinds of crazy, and it’s way late at night.