Heretics to the Empire – Poison Darts Suck

When last we left our Cadre of Heretics, just over a month ago, they had just managed to get thru a door that wasn’t a door while in an interesting complex, probably a crypt, under the ruins of the place that was once here and where the elves and humans are excavating together for the thing we need to take for Amaunator… (pssst… the crown.)

Chell is out for the time being, as she and her fiance are currently saving for their own house by crashing for a while at her in-law’s guest apartment, and they work strange hours, meaning Chell can’t come/go during DnD hours…. reminder that Grimm the Crusader is an NPC, because NA quit the game, and Sam rolled in last time, but still hasn’t managed to be introduced. RIGHT!!!! Onward.

  • So they head off thru the door that isn’t and find in there, one highly ornate sarcophagus, covered in jewels. Which apparently the Crusader wants.
    Eden: There’s necromancy magic in here.
    Cassie: Uh… Grimm. That’s probably a bad idea.
    Grimm: What? I don’t like corpese like that.
    Cassie: What? No there’s Necromancy in here, that’s not good.
    Grimm: I don’t like to fuck dead people.
    Cassie: Not Necrophilia! NecroMANCY!!!
    Silas: The guy in the box is going to sit up and stab you!!!!
    Grimm: Ooooooh…
    Silas: You have to use SMALL words with him Cassie.
  • So they’re not fond of that room either, and decide to head back down the hall and take the branch they didn’t before… after a while they find a door to their left, and the hallway continues, getting narrower as it goes. Marching order, Crusader, Silas, Cassie and… Eden is invisible. Cirrin the new elf is… well we don’t know where she went, but the human party members are starting to assume that invisibility is an Elven racial trait, what with Thomas, and then Eden, and now Cirrin just… disappearing.
  • They enter the room to the left now. It’s set up for a living creature, with a bed and a desk and such.
    Strife: Are there any elves nailed to the wall?

    DM: No.
    Strife and Mayo: Are there any elves nailed to the ceiling?
    DM: No.
    Strife: Are there any elves nailed to anything?
    DM: Have you nailed yourself to anything?
    Strife: No.
    DM: Then no.
    Strife: Are there any gnomes, or dwarves or anyone nailed to anything?
    DM: Nailed, no… sovereign glued tho… no.
    Strife: What about hidden doors. I’m an elf I get a check for that.
    Ozzy: We rub the elf on the wall.
    DM: That roll I asked you for? That was it.
    Ozzy: Shhhhhhh! I think I failed my spot check.
    Mayo: Shut up Belkar.
  • Cassie and Silas go to check out the desk, while Eden is… invisible… so yeah. They find an open book with elvish writing.
    DM: So… you try to read the book…
    Ozzy and Mayo: I prepared explosive runes this morning.
    DM: No… it’s just boring… there’s some potatoes that arrived and he had to polish the king’s crypt again. It’s the gravekeepers log book.
    Strife: Is that a real spell? Explosive Runes?
    DM: Yes.
    Mayo: Why wouldn’t it be?
    DM: Because Bigby’s Invasive Tenticles isn’t?
    Mayo: Oh… right. I really want the I prepared Explosive Runes Babydoll t-shirt.
    Strife: We’d all like you in an exploding shirt.
    Mayo: But you wouldn’t see anything, because of the shirt shrapnel.
    DM: Shirt Shrapnel!
    Strife: Anyone who didn’t read it would.
    DM: Except it turns out she’s got on 6 layers.
  • DM: So… if you want to take anything of this guys stuff? His old tattered clothes, or his destroyed boots. Maybe his disintegrating bedsheets.
    Strife: Does the ledger describe anything of value in here?
    DM: Uh… some wine is hidden behind some books on the shelf. You’re not sure why it’s hidden.
    Ozzy: It’s a hidden shipment to send to another village.
    Mayo: Wine for Tuffledorf!!!!
    Strife: I’ll take that.
    DM: You find it… it’s old and there’s some mold. It’s probably vinegar by now.
    Strife: What kind of mold?
    DM: It’s black mold. Fort Checks everyone.
    Strife: I’m too poor to breath.  I’m fine.
    DM: WRONG CAMPAIGN, but I’m kidding anyhow. It’s just moldy.
  • Silas takes his keys.
  • Strife: Is there any porn?
    DM: Elves don’t have porn. They’re too prudish.
    Mayo: The grave guy would be the one to have any if he did.
    DM: It would be human porn. Elves don’t produce it.
    Ozzy: Maybe Dwarven porn?
    DM: No. Dwarves have booze and stone. So they get drunk and screw stones.
    Ozzy: And pull on their beards.
    DM: And then BLEACK!!!! Booze comes out.
    Mayo: *Jerk off motion at chin.*
    Ozzy: And that’s why Dwarves are emasculated when you cut off their beards!
    Mayo: They’re Ballchinians!!!
  • So that room being checked, they head off down the narrow hallway on the theory that it’s probably the connection to the main complex mentioned in the journal. Narrow hallway is narrow, and the Crusader is leading. His armor starts screeching against the walls…  it’s a horrible sound.
    Ozzy: I hope he gets his plate mail stuck. That would be funny.
    Instead the Crusader backs out per Silas’ instructions, leading to a change of marching order. We are now Silas, Cassie, Eden, Grimm…
  • So they head off down the hall, and as they do, they hear a crunching. There is a wall at the end of the hall that’s comming up to block the door.
    Eden: RUN!!!!
    We do. Silas gets there first and does a flying leap over.
    Cassie belly flops onto the wall with Eden pushing her and Silas pulling.
  • Eden is too short to get up over the wall on her own… meanwhile, behind her, Grim is screaming…
    Grim is apparently melted by the acid being poured into the hallway, which is making it’s way toward Eden now.
    RIP: Grimm the Crusader.
  • So Eden finally makes it over the wall and needs some serious healing, which she gets, and then they head off down the hall, with Cassie commenting on how inefficient a trap that permanently ruins a passageway is.
  • The hallway re-widens out to normal, but now there’s a door in the way damnit.
  • DM: Make an open lock check.
    Mayo: Better get a big bonus for having keys.
    DM: It’s to see if he can pick the right key.
    He can. The door clicks more than it really should…. but upon inspection it turns out that it DISARMED the trap that would have been in that room.
  • DM: So you walk in and-
    Ozzy: There’s a There’s a Minotaur!!!. Hey Cassie. We found your deity.
    Ozzy: Then you need to enunciate…
  • So… they head off down the hallway, and unfortunately it only gos left at the end, and Cassie is pretty damn sure that they need to go kind of right in order to go where she found location of… the thing they need.
  • Cassie: There is no wall there is no wall….
    She starts walking toward the wall to the right.
    Eden stops her.
    Eden: That wall isn’t magic.
    Cassie: Was the door magic?
    Eden: No.
    Cassie: Then why would that wall need to be?
    Eden: Oh that door. That wasn’t a door. That was an illusion.
  • So… while Cassie glares at the wall that is where she wants to go, Silas and Eden headed off down the other hallway… where they come to what’s clearly a pressure plated trap.
  • Silas botches his disable device check… and faceplants on the pressure plate. Being as he’s belly down… he’s fine, but Eden takes an arrow to the knee arm. An arrow of horrible poison that, when Eden fails her fort save, makes her arm feel like it’s on fire, and she rolls around screaming.
    DM: High or low?
    Strife: Low.
    DM: Good… you rolled AWAY from the pressure plate.
  • So they head further down the hall… tripping another pressure plate trap. This one is set to hit after the second person hits it, so Silas is fine. Cassie and Eden get hit by spikes, 12 for Eden and 4 for Cassie on a d12 roll… but Cassie takes half because she passed her reflex save, and Eden fails her fort check again, and now has 9 constitution damage and 4 strength damage.
  • Strife: From now on, I’m casting ring of fire over and over down the hallway every 10 feet.
    Mayo: You’re going to use up all the oxygen.
    DM: But he’s all “I don’t need to breath.” Wrong campaign!!!!
  • Cassie: We need to camp. Eden is all fucked up and I can’t do anything for her till morning. I need to prepare new spells, and she’s not going to survive another trap.
  • So we camped, and while we did, Cassie worked on healing Eden, and Silas scouted ahead disabling further traps all the way up to a door, which is where he stops, and goes back to camp.
  • In the morning, Cassie restorations Eden, who made her fort saves during the night and is no longer poisoned. They head off down the hallway and Silas uses the keys on the door.
    DM: IT creeps open cheerily. Everyone always says they open ominously, so this one opens cheerily.
  • There are two pillars in the room. One with a white orb, and one with a black… there’s book writing all over the floor so Cassie casts Comprehend Languages and reads it… it’s the same thing over and over again “One is Death.”
  • So Cassie does a divination to ask if the white one is death, and gets back “Yes.” But then she has a terrible thought… does that mean black is not death… or either one of them alone is death?
  • Cassie: Ok… so here’s the thing. I’m more than willing to do this on my own, except I’m the only one who can cure someone if they get fucked up doing this so-
    Eden grabs both spheres.
  • The arm grabbing the white one begins to glow and flake away. The black one rots off the flesh… Silas tries to tackle her off. But fails. Cassie tries to break enchantment, and then tries to tie her twine around Eden and pull… they fail. The rot and glowing flaking moves more and more toward the center.
  • Eden: Your god better appreciate the shit I do for you.
    And then they meet in the middle and she’s gone.
  • Cassie: Well… what the shit?
    Silas: That’s what I was going to say.
    Cassie: We’re screwed. We’re trapped between a hall of lava and a couple of disintegration orbs of doom.
    Silas: There’s another hall…
    Cassie: Lets go check it.
  • Strife: Should I roll a new PC?
    DM: No.
    Strife: Should I go play Minecraft?
    DM: Depends on what Cassie and Silas are up to.
    Mayo: Why doesn’t he just introduce himself to Sam’s elf, since she’s probably in the dimension he went to via the gate Cassie doesn’t know about.
    DM: Or that… since… yeah… it’s a gate.
  • Eden comes out the other end of the portal into a lovely grassy place, where about 15 Elves are staring at her.
    Eden: Where am I?
    She addresses another female Elf, Elena, Sam’s Level 14 Scout!!!!
    Elena: Elven Grove.
    Eden: Uh… ok….
    Elena: Would you like a… bath? You really smell.
  • So back in the place, Silas and Cassie head back down the hall… or not. The door is gone and now they’ve got no real choice. (Thanks DM!!!)
    Cassie: Shall we go together, or shall I go first.
    Silas: We may as well go at once.
    They do.
    DM: Cassie, you immediatly regret this. It’s the worst thing you’ve ever felt. Silas… you had a beholder melt you once, so you’re not so bad off. This is second to that.
  • Eden in the bath… they take her clothes!!
    Eden: Where were you taking that! Those are mine!
    NPC Elf: We’re going to get you cleaner clothes.
    Eden: And my armor?
    NPC Elf: We’ll clean it.
    Ozzy: Why do the Elves have an English accent?
    Mayo: They’re speaking orcish.
    DM: No… that’s a different English accent.
  • Elena: So… what happened?
    Eden: Humans.
    Elena: What?
    Eden: Humans.
    Elana: What?
    Eden: Humans in Airships.
    Elana: Humans don’t HAVE airships.
  • Ozzy: And that’s when Cassie and Silas show up.
    DM: No… that’s when a two headed, four armed, four legged thing shows up.
    Mayo: Transporter Error!!!!
    DM: You’re not there yet… sorry.
  • Eden: So… yeah… how about you grab those balls?
    NPC Elf: No.
    Eden: Why not?
    NPC Elf: Why should we?
    Eden: I think it’s a gateway.
    NPC Elf: Well of course it is. One to the city. It’s the King’s Magic Portal.
    Strife: Heh… I touched the Kings Balls.
  • Eden: Why do your gateways hurt so much?
    NPC Elf: Didn’t you say the password?
    Eden: I didn’t know it…
    NPC Elf: You’re not from around here are you?
    Eden: No.
    NPC Elf: Then the king is going to want to see you.
    Strife: Does the king by any chance have a magic crown?
    DM: Yes.
    Strife: Boy is it a good thing that’s meta.
  • So Eden takes a visit to the King. Who says that Eden really aught be brought to the healer since folk who come thru the gate without the password, die within a day without healing.
  • The healer heals Eden, all the while muttering about the soldiers always getting hurt and who has to pick up the bits and put them back together, and why didn’t someone fix this scar on her side earlier, and Eden gets +4 to her appearance.
  • Eden is all healed up and enjoying the garden, then Cassie and Silas arrive in the garden, much like Eden did, including screaming, and of course, grabbing the King’s Magic Balls.
  • Elena arms herself. Eden goes invisible, and the guards take both of them into custody. They comply, dropping all weapons, and voluntarily getting manacled.
  • Guard: Good good… now we’ll just bring you before the King before your execution.
    Cassie: Execution?
    Guard: Yes… it will be quite painless.
    Cassie: But I don’t want to die!!!
    Guard: That’s too bad?
    Cassie: But we complied!!!
    Silas: Did you think it was going to be any better than the Orcs?
    Cassie: YES I did.
    Guard: We’re much better than the orcs. Though if you prefer we could put you in a dark hole and rape you to death.
    Cassie: The orcs put is in an arena.
    Guard: I guess they’re moving up in the world.
    Cassie: And it all comes to this.
    Guard: Yes. Yes it does.
  • So they go before the King, who’s all
    King: Ahh… humans. Where were they captured?
    Silas: 400 feet that way.
    Guard: They came thru the gate on their own.
    King: Why would they send people thru the gate?
    Cassie: We weren’t SENT we-
    Eden: Dear King, they are saboteurs that work with my unit. They’re on our side.
  • The King isn’t buying it… and now he wants to kill Eden too.
  • So they wind up arguing with the King for a fairly extended time, and eventually manage to stammer out that the Elves actually LOST the war, which he doesn’t believe, or that it’s been more than 50 years, or any such thing. It’s all frigging impossible as far as he’s concerned.
  • Elena: I’ll go.
    King: Good… but don’t take more than a day. That’ll be like, 10 days here.
    Cassie: Wait, Eden how long have you been here?
    Eden: Three weeks.
    Cassie: But we were only like… two minutes behind you.
    King: That’s IMPOSSIBLE!!!!
  • So yes… after some discussion, the King agrees to send a scout, and in the meantime they’ll get the humans healed so they don’t flake apart and die within the day, and they’ll deal with this after the elves check their city and such.
  • So they head off the the Healer who doesn’t want to heal humans. He suggests they take them to the Vet, but Elena tells him the King ordered this, so he agrees to heal them. He has Silas strip off… examines him, and gives him a drink to drink. Silas looks to Eden, who assures him it’s ok to drink and he does. He narrowly avoids passing out on the floor when Elena tells him to lay down quickly.
  • Then Cassie’s up… of course she doesn’t want to strip.
    Doctor: Look, it’s worse for me than it is for you, you’re a filthy human.
    Cassie: It’s not my fault I’m filthy, they won’t let us at the baths.
    Doctor: Of course not, you’ll contaminate them!
    Cassie: What about a bucket of water and a rag?
    Doctor: Just strip off already.
    So Cassie strips down to her underwear, and stops… the doctor wants her stripped off more, but she won’t, so Eden cuts them off.
  • Majere: What are you talking about?
    Mayo: Cassie stripping off at the healer.
    Majere: Gigglestick?
    DM: Wait… I think he’s having a different conversation.
    Majere: What? *Takes off his headphones.*
    Mayo: Wait… does this mean the people Majere’s talking to can hear us better than he can?
    DM: Yes.
  • So Cassie sits down, drinks the healing potions and falls asleep nekked but curled up to cover as much of herself as possible.
    Eden is apparently not so much of a bitch because she covers Cassie with a cloak.

And since both Humans are now unconscious… and Ozzy has to turn into a pumpkin because it’s midnight, we’re going to call it here. Next time… can the humans avoid getting all kinds of dead because other races all hate them?


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